finding meaning in a meaningless act
purpose where there is none
why eat chocolate then
purely for the taste
then why kiss
just for the moment?

I was the only one
the only one to fall
there was no net
no safety arms
to catch and cradle me
maybe he pushed me
pushed me over the edge
and watched me go
maybe he thought
I'll let her go first,
I'll follow in a bit
maybe he expects
to fall later
and when he falls
that I'll be there
waiting.
I'll be his net
my arms will be outstretched
outstretched and waiting.

but I landed
hard and hurt
left without a hand
and looked around
awakened from my slumber
hurt and sad
I'll stand up, look up
and walk away
I'll find another cliff
another person to jump with
but fall again I will
I plan, I want
to fall

maybe I'll be alone again
alone in my wild
unbridled collapse
but loneliness is a close friend
one who welcomes me each time
one day, I'll leave him be
finding another
another to spend my time

he pushed me
I'll claim
but really I jumped
expecting to fly
fly from sheer joy
but when I looked back
and saw him standing there
with fear and trippidation
tears gleaming from his eyes
it was over.
my flight turned sour
sour and bitter
and down I crashed

it was real
I'll choose to believe
the happiness
the joy and trust
trust in another human being
in another soul
but not an anomaly
it is not a rare
uncommon
occurance
and that spark will be found
and felt again
in another form
with a different touch
but home
it will feel like home
once again
comfortable and warm and real

lies

ever feel like relationships you thought were real were based on lies... things you felt were fabricated by the other person... I don't know what to believe.
how do I trust again...

MONQ

So I just got my box set of MONQ in the mail today.  Since I got an awesome labor day deal, I figured I would get them all and try them out.  So far, I love it.  The taste that it leaves in the mouth is so pleasant!  I will be trying it out this week to see how they affect me, but so far it is quite a great experience.

If you'd like a code for MONQ, let me know!  But here's the link: https://monq.com?rfsn=323301.22a6d

If you haven’t heard of MONQ yet, you will soon.  It is the newest, most innovative, and coolest aromatherapy device out there. Using a small portable device, you can experience aromatherapy variety of effects anywhere. When you use it, it lights up, letting you know that it is active. And you simply breathe in Therapeutic Air that your MONQ diffuses. It comes in 7 blends, so you can swap off depending upon your mood, with blends such as Happy, Zen and Sleepy!

I struggle with racing thoughts, with rumination, with depression.  I think that a lot of people deal with mental issues, some more profound than others, some more visible or noticeable than others.  I can keep a pretty good face on to make it seem like I am a generally happy person.  Today, I had to keep doing relaxing breathes, deep breathing, to keep myself calm.  Things affect me deeply, and I worry about things.  I worry like it's my job to worry.  I go through things in my head like it is a puzzle, looking for the missing pieces and trying to reassemble it over and over again.  Do other people experience this?  Am I that unique in my mental illness?  It's like when you have a cut on your lip, or on your roof of your mouth and you can't help but keep licking it, over and over again, expecting it to heal that way, almost enjoying the pain but crying at the same time.  I look for ways to release it, make it better in my head, so that I don't overreact to life, or cry, or just increase my ability to cope with things.  Deep breathing.  Writing.  Praying. Scriptures.  I just purchased MONQ and I am curious to see how that will work with my depression, racing thoughts, touch of anxiety.  I have tried other herbal supplements as well.  SAM-e has helped, along with HTP-5 to kind of help me relax at night and help me sleep.  sleeping is the worst, that is when everything that I might have been suppressing comes to the surface and my mind does not shut off.
I am really excited to try MONQ and see how the different mixes help with different situations.  Hopefully the aromatherapy can help.

Just Me

I was the only one
the only one to fall
there was no net
no safety arms
to catch and cradle me
maybe he pushed me
pushed me over the edge
and watched me go
maybe he thought
I'll let her go first,
I'll follow in a bit
maybe he expects
to fall later
and when he falls
that I'll be there
waiting.
I'll be his net
my arms will be outstretched
outstretched and waiting.

but I landed
hard and hurt
left without a hand
and looked around
awakened from my slumber
hurt and sad
I'll stand up, look up
and walk away
I'll find another cliff
another person to jump with
but fall again I will
I plan, I want
to fall

maybe I'll be alone again
alone in my wild
unbridled collapse
but loneliness is a close friend
one who welcomes me each time
one day, I'll leave him be
finding another
another to spend my time

he pushed me
I'll claim
but really I jumped
expecting to fly
fly from sheer joy
but when I looked back
and saw him standing there
with fear and trippidation
tears gleaming from his eyes
it was over.
my flight turned sour
sour and bitter
and down I crashed

it was real
I'll choose to believe
the happiness
the joy and trust
trust in another human being
in another soul
but not an anomaly
it is not a rare
uncommon
occurance
and that spark will be found
and felt again
in another form
with a different touch
but home
it will feel like home
once again
comfortable and warm and real

It's not your fault

I dated a guy for a bit, on and off, about two years ago.  He had a lot of issues, and I tried to help him work through them.  I learned from that relationship that  you can really only help someone who wants the help, who is willing to take your help and use it.  He would complain about being the way he was, but seemed to have given up all hope of ever being better, of becoming the way he wanted to be.  He isn't a bad person, sometimes he could be really sweet... but there was always something that made me scared of him.

We hadn't seen each other for quite a few months, when I asked him to come over cause I had just gotten back from a pretty crummy trip. He agreed, and assumed I meant that he could also stay the night.  We made-out a bit, and fell asleep, cuddling, on the couch.  While sleeping, he woke me up, kissing me, and then slowly got on top of me. I lay there, completely still, trying to show him that I was not into what he was doing.  I definitely never gave my consent, or told him to keep going.  He kept kissing me, and I kept trying to push him off of me, over and over again.  He isn't necessarily an aggressive person, he just has no off switch.  I got him off me, and then went to my bedroom and locked the door.  He left shortly after that, sent a text a few days later to apologize, and I've never talked to him again.  

I think about the rape culture that exists in our society today, and can only imagine what the young women and men go through when their bodies and personal space are completely violated. This was someone that I was comfortable with, or at least enough to have him over my apartment.  I was alone in my apartment, and if he hadn't yielded to me, I don't know if anyone would have heard me if I had cried out. I wasn't raped. He didn't force his self into me. But for a moment, I thought he would.  For one terrifying moment, I thought he'd push his way inside.  I don't know exactly what victims go through, and how much it affects their lives afterwards, but it is upsetting when the attacker acts like the victim.   I could see that in this guy, too.  He was the victim because he lost all control, and he would pity himself.  This wasn't some teenager who was just learning how his body worked.  This was a 27 year old.  He should have self control, self discipline, enough to know that when someone isn't consenting, it is time to get off of them.  But thinking about the culture in this country, sure someone could look at this and say I was asking for it, I had invited him over and fell asleep with him on my couch, but sex is not something that someone should feel entitled to, and I never asked him for it, plus I was asleep when he rolled onto me.  That is definitely not consent.  No means no.  No answer doesn't mean yes. Being asleep and unable to respond is not yes.