Thursday, June 09, 2016

It's not your fault

I dated a guy for a bit, on and off, about two years ago.  He had a lot of issues, and I tried to help him work through them.  I learned from that relationship that  you can really only help someone who wants the help, who is willing to take your help and use it.  He would complain about being the way he was, but seemed to have given up all hope of ever being better, of becoming the way he wanted to be.  He isn't a bad person, sometimes he could be really sweet... but there was always something that made me scared of him.
We hadn't seen each other for quite a few months, when I asked him to come over cause I had just gotten back from a pretty crummy trip. He agreed, and assumed I meant that he could also stay the night.  We made-out a bit, and fell asleep, cuddling, on the couch.  While sleeping, he woke me up, kissing me, and then slowly got on top of me. I lay there, completely still, trying to show him that I was not into what he was doing.  I definitely never gave my consent, or told him to keep going.  He kept kissing me, and I kept trying to push him off of me, over and over again.  He isn't necessarily an aggressive person, he just has no off switch.  I got him off me, and then went to my bedroom and locked the door.  He left shortly after that, sent a text a few days later to apologize, and I've never talked to him again.  
I think about the rape culture that exists in our society today, and can only imagine what the young women and men go through when their bodies and personal space are completely violated. This was someone that I was comfortable with, or at least enough to have him over my apartment.  I was alone in my apartment, and if he hadn't yielded to me, I don't know if anyone would have heard me if I had cried out. I wasn't raped. He didn't force his self into me. But for a moment, I thought he would.  For one terrifying moment, I thought he'd push his way inside.  I don't know exactly what victims go through, and how much it affects their lives afterwards, but it is upsetting when the attacker acts like the victim.   I could see that in this guy, too.  He was the victim because he lost all control, and he would pity himself.  This wasn't some teenager who was just learning how his body worked.  This was a 27 year old.  He should have self control, self discipline, enough to know that when someone isn't consenting, it is time to get off of them.  But thinking about the culture in this country, sure someone could look at this and say I was asking for it, I had invited him over and fell asleep with him on my couch, but sex is not something that someone should feel entitled to, and I never asked him for it, plus I was asleep when he rolled onto me.  That is definitely not consent.  No means no.  No answer doesn't mean yes. Being asleep and unable to respond is not yes.





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