What went wrong

I often reflect on the turn that my life has taken by actions that were decided by others. I entered High School a totally normal young lady. I feel that I am leaving it extremly changed in so many ways that I did not anticipate. It is never normal or healthy for a little girl to witness her parents fighting. I tried to shield my younger sister from it often times because I had been subjected to it when I was her age. As a young girl, I would lie away at night and hear my parents arguing, loudly. They must have assumed that we were asleep because they never fought in front of us. We is refering to myself and my older sister of 3 years. I don't remember what the arguments were about except that my father would always walk away and my mother would yell at him not to walk away while she was talking to him. That she was talking. He would passively ignore her. I think that I attribute this to my avoidance of conflict. The sound of arguing makes me uncomfortable and scared, frankly. Unsafe. My father was always there for me. I looked up to him when I was younger, but I was the second child. Softly pushed aside in favor of my older sister. I love her dearly, and I don't resent her for being first. I simply got used to being second. I understood and complied with my treatment. This isn't to say that I was flat out ignored, but I learned my place, which was not in the spot light. She was talk with at night, and it was a common practice that I would be ignore for bedtime "tuck in". That was the way it was. And then my younger sister came along, and she got more attention than I did. She is the sensitive one. She needs to have the special attention. Again, I got used to it.
But my parents: their fighting got worse. We never really went on vacation as a family, and my father was often busy with his biking. I don't much remember my mother in my early years. I think because she was like a ghost. Quiet in the background, helping us along, having snacks for us after school. She was not a major actor in her own life, I think. After the divorce, things changed. My mother, my father, my life. Everything is different. Everything and Everyone. My mother has found her voice and my father has changed personalities. I sleep in a bed that is not my own and eat other people's food. I have to smile and pretend that this new life, this new world that I have entered is perciesly what I asked for. Because watching my father dote on another woman is exactly what I want to see. Hearing him speak to her in ways that I did not know he could to someone that is not my mother is just what I love to hear. And then he tries to be my best friend. He can not see what he has done to my life, to my personality. I am scared to death of comitment. What if my special someone leaves me like my father left my mother? But my mother!! Her strength has become a brilliant and beautiful thing. She has found her strength that was always there but lay dormant inside of her. It has come alive in ways that are just beginning to unfold. I admire her more and more each day. I wish I had noticed her in my childhood. I am only starting to appreciate her and I am really saddened over our loss of time. I am going to run away for a while. I need to find my own voice. I need to seperate myself from the strangling oppression that I feel around my father. I need to break out of this shell that has been created by my parents. They have instilled in me virtues that are important, but consciously and invertantly. But starting this summer, I plan on writing about the things I AM doing, not what I WISH to do.

A little change of pace

During the summer, I was a CIT at a Boy Scout Camp. Yes, I am a female, and this works because I am also a venture scout. Its basically a branch of Boy Scouts that co-ed. It is amazing! I spent 6 weeks in the Adirondacks, living in a community with about 10 other males. It totally changes a person's point of view being around the other sex so much. I had very limited contact with females for that time period. I absolutly loved it. Not because I was surrounded by boys, but because I was surrounded by the woods. Yes, I am a nature lover. I meet some interesting characters while I was there, and they all had some influence on me, some more than others.
One of the staff, Dan, is a rather out there kind of guy. He plays guitar and has a sultry voice. He introducd to me Ray Lamontagne, who just came out with a CD. Absolutly amazing! i feel in love with it right away because it is so simple. So calming and inspiring all at the same time. I also read Into the Wild while i was up north. Totally inspiring. I gained a connection with Chris McCandless. We both come from rather disappointing families and want to find ourselves. He ran away, which I don't think I will be able to do. But I do want to escape from the complicated lifestyle that is fasioned for us as children. I need to discover who I am, and what I want without the influence of my parents, especially. I want a simple life, and that is what Chris, or Alex, symbolized for me. A simplier life without the complicated things that tie people down to a job in a cubilce. Man wasn't created to live in a box. I need to see the sky and hear the birds. I think that is also what Ray gives me, is a little sense of the Adirondacks, with his simple voice and just the guitar music. No big bands, just him, his guitar, and his music. So simple, and so comforting.
It is hard to be completely independent when so many people are holding you down. I yearn for the road. I plan to trip across the United States to see my country that I call home for now. I feel so restless, and I want to expand my horizons, meeting new people and seeing new places. I want adventure. I've lived in a box for way to long. This summer gave me a sense of what that would be like, and I loved it. I would be content to live in a tent, sleeping under the stars as my ceiling and going to a new place each day. I would just want someone to share this with, even though that seems contrary to what I have been saying. But this person would have to be intelligent and good company. Also would have to be quiet, but know when to have good conversation. Then again, maybe I'll just go by myself. But then my parents would never let me go. They can't seem to get their heads around the idea that I am growing up and I long to leave soon. I want to miss them. I want to honestly miss them, and the way that they nag me. Right now, its just a bother. I guess religion doesn't really fit in with all of this, except I want to experience the beauty and nature that Heavenly Father has created for us. Humans are destroying it slowly, and soon it will be gone. I want to see it all. I want to be able to say to my children that I had amazing adventures! Not just the boring living in the box. Chris' life is just amazing. I am so jealous of his ambition and guts to go out into the world. I want to do that. i want to live!!
Living at Floodwood truely liberated me, but only for a little while. I soon had to come back down, tie my soul to this uniform that I put on each day, and do the same monotonous routine each and every day. Nothing changes, except for maybe my moods, but even those get into a routine. It is pathetic and NOT how I am suppose to live. I feel the road calling my name, and I must answer it!!