Into the Wild

I recently read a book called Into the Wild. Actually I read it last summer, but the impact that it had on me was so huge! Maybe I've talked about this before. The book is based on a true story about a young man who travels across America, basically. His life is so wonderful though. Full of everything that I long to do. I was discussing this book with my father, because I encouraged him to read it, and he thought that it was almost cruel for the boy to cut ties with his family. How can he not understand though? I see and understand his motives clearly.

I see my life, and what it is cracking up to be, and I am a little disappointed. I wish for it to be adventerous and amazing. I want someone else to see my life and go "wow, she really lived" not, "what was she doing with herself?" That is what I have been doing for the past 18 years, just living, just existing. Chris McCandless knew how to live. I love my family, but when going into the adventure of a lifetime, it is not wise to tie oneself down to family and relationships. Someone said that Chris had a problem with intimacy. I think not, but just being tied down to something pointless. My father thinks that it is because he was angry with his father. I was thinking about it and realized something: Chris's father had almost lived a double life and he found out that he was illegitamit. His whole identity was shattered. Your parents bring you into this world, and you expect them to know and understand themselves in order for you to define yourself. When the image of who your parents are is shattered you have to reevalute yourself.

Who you are becomes someone else. This whole image that you have had up until this realization is someone completely different from then on. Who you are is very dependent on who your parents are. But once you find out something about your parents that shatteres your image of them in consequence shatters your image of self. Your world crumbles around you. I think that is why Chris was able to become closer to those that he met on the road. They did not define him, but he could start clean with that relationship. He had to reevaluate himself in order to re-learn and understand who his parents were. Maybe I am reading too much into this and projecting my life into this situation, but that is how I see it. How I am beginning to see it.

Floodwood is one place where I can redefine myself, and figure things out. It is so easy to see who you are without the complications of family, which is another reason why I think it is healthy to seperate from family for a while. Not sever the ties completely, because it is family that should love you unconditionally, but just for a season. It is important to define yourself by your own standards. I see who I am most clearly when I am surrounded by nature. Others in other places. But Chris was able to be himself, most comfortable as I understood it, around nature as well. I find him to be a tragic hero, because in the end he did discover his tragic flaw which killed him. He had been living a secluded life. And I understand it. But he realized that having companionship of any kind is a gift as well. "And so it turned out that only a life similar to the life of those around us, merging with it without a ripple, is genuine life, and that an unshared happiness is not happiness....And this most vexing of all, HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED."

A little change of pace

During the summer, I was a CIT at a Boy Scout Camp. Yes, I am a female, and this works because I am also a venture scout. Its basically a branch of Boy Scouts that co-ed. It is amazing! I spent 6 weeks in the Adirondacks, living in a community with about 10 other males. It totally changes a person's point of view being around the other sex so much. I had very limited contact with females for that time period. I absolutly loved it. Not because I was surrounded by boys, but because I was surrounded by the woods. Yes, I am a nature lover. I meet some interesting characters while I was there, and they all had some influence on me, some more than others.
One of the staff, Dan, is a rather out there kind of guy. He plays guitar and has a sultry voice. He introducd to me Ray Lamontagne, who just came out with a CD. Absolutly amazing! i feel in love with it right away because it is so simple. So calming and inspiring all at the same time. I also read Into the Wild while i was up north. Totally inspiring. I gained a connection with Chris McCandless. We both come from rather disappointing families and want to find ourselves. He ran away, which I don't think I will be able to do. But I do want to escape from the complicated lifestyle that is fasioned for us as children. I need to discover who I am, and what I want without the influence of my parents, especially. I want a simple life, and that is what Chris, or Alex, symbolized for me. A simplier life without the complicated things that tie people down to a job in a cubilce. Man wasn't created to live in a box. I need to see the sky and hear the birds. I think that is also what Ray gives me, is a little sense of the Adirondacks, with his simple voice and just the guitar music. No big bands, just him, his guitar, and his music. So simple, and so comforting.
It is hard to be completely independent when so many people are holding you down. I yearn for the road. I plan to trip across the United States to see my country that I call home for now. I feel so restless, and I want to expand my horizons, meeting new people and seeing new places. I want adventure. I've lived in a box for way to long. This summer gave me a sense of what that would be like, and I loved it. I would be content to live in a tent, sleeping under the stars as my ceiling and going to a new place each day. I would just want someone to share this with, even though that seems contrary to what I have been saying. But this person would have to be intelligent and good company. Also would have to be quiet, but know when to have good conversation. Then again, maybe I'll just go by myself. But then my parents would never let me go. They can't seem to get their heads around the idea that I am growing up and I long to leave soon. I want to miss them. I want to honestly miss them, and the way that they nag me. Right now, its just a bother. I guess religion doesn't really fit in with all of this, except I want to experience the beauty and nature that Heavenly Father has created for us. Humans are destroying it slowly, and soon it will be gone. I want to see it all. I want to be able to say to my children that I had amazing adventures! Not just the boring living in the box. Chris' life is just amazing. I am so jealous of his ambition and guts to go out into the world. I want to do that. i want to live!!
Living at Floodwood truely liberated me, but only for a little while. I soon had to come back down, tie my soul to this uniform that I put on each day, and do the same monotonous routine each and every day. Nothing changes, except for maybe my moods, but even those get into a routine. It is pathetic and NOT how I am suppose to live. I feel the road calling my name, and I must answer it!!