This is not a love story....

Ever seen the movie "(500) Days of Summer"?
It starts off saying, this is not a love story.  That is how I feel about my life and the relationships that I have had.  None of these are actual love stories.  The most recent experience sort of reflects the movie as well, where I am into it and commit, but he hesitated and wasn't sure.  I want someone to be sure of me just as I am sure of them...

This is not a love story...

Loose Screws

Somewhere within the last two years, some of my screws have gotten loose and I think this past weekend they came out. I'm not sure when it happened or began, this slow spiraling out of control, but it definitely started two years ago, when I stepped off the plane from Switzerland after successfully fulfilling my year and a half LDS mission.
Maybe it began when I started quasi dating this guy who I met at a school dance. I liked the attention, even though something felt off about him. But things seem to be going well till he moved away after three weeks of us spending days together. But it didn't work out... in a glorious terrible way, I found out, slowly, that he's unhinged, and slightly crazy, and sometimes I fear that somehow he placed a few of his broken shards inside of me, beginning this process of loose screws that have securely held me together.
I began to believe that I'm weak. I was still quite tired from the mission, and fell into a depression. So lost and had no real life goals except get married. That's what we're told to do. Get married. And this boy that I had placed quite a bit of hope and time into turned out to be solidly not the person I should even consider dating, least of all marry. It was painful.
I continued with school, with my graduation slowly looming. Before my mission, I knew that that was my goal. I had something to work towards. Now it was to graduate, but then what. What was my goal after graduation. Get married. But that is not exactly within my control at all. I can date, sure, but I have to find people and meet people whom I would like to date. I always feel out of place and like I don't click, so when I do click with people, I have a tendency to hold on too tight. Death grips.
The screws kept getting turned the closer and closer I got to graduation without a relationship happening. Nothing. Not even tinder worked. I'm timid, and shy, and introverted, but I'm like everyone else, and want to be loved, and cared for, and thought of. And each day that went by without a potential, with the same things happening over and over and over again, continued to be proof that I would fail. I would graduate without a ring on my finger, engagement or wedding.
Some relationships happened, but nothing with too much promise, except possibly.... two. One wasn't quite right at the time, but that didn't stop me from not letting go, until I held on so tight that I killed it. And the second... he was perfect, but I didn't feel like I was perfect for him.
Classes ended. I was done. Failed. Yes, I finished cum laude. Yes, I have a degree. Which some people work so hard to achieve, but I could coast by and still receive honors, while working two jobs. But all this was a distraction from my real goal.  I am a failure.
My screws became loose and they fell out this weekend. I started putting stock in other people, hoping and expecting them to screw me back together. I allowed myself to wallow in self pity, blaming everyone and everything for my disappointment. Instead of looking at myself and seeing that I am becoming a miserable human being. I smiled and laughed, but instead I was crying, almost constantly. Letting the negative thoughts eat me alive.
I got slapped in the face twice, not because me as a person deserves it exactly, but because the whiney, needy, spoiled child that I have become needs it. I needed it in order to pull myself up and remember where healing actually comes from. It doesn't come from other people, I can't expect other people to put me back together. Healing comes from Divinity, I believe in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, mentally and my heart, other people might call it the a universe or karma or some other form. I firmly believe that even if it is not immediate, Christ can put me back together, piece by piece, and heal me, my broken mind and broken heart. Disappointment and sadness and frustrations happen, but I can not and should not allow myself to wallow in this and let it stumble me and fall down. I can not just sit in the dirt and cry and wonder why I am not progressing, why isn't anyone picking me up and doing it for me.  I have help, and help is available, and some things I have to do by myself, while I can expect and have faith that I will receive healing from Christ. He has the screwdriver that can ground me again. In that, I firmly believe in.

Disappointment

I've always hated being disappointed. I think it's normal, no one likes to be let down, to have your expectations not met. Even when someone says maybe, that adds this hope that it might happen, barely allowing yourself to feel the excitement, but it's still there. Your hope was raised, even a fraction of an inch. And when it comes crashing down, that fraction feels like an abyss.
I was disappointment recently, and it felt crushing. I had hoped that he would pull through and surprise me, even though I expected he wouldn't. Such a mix of emotions, and so when my expectation proved true that he isn't going to pull through for me, that almost hurt most of all.
But in thinking about it, do I really want to hate being disappointed. That means I have no trust, no expectations, no... standards held for other people. Is that even then a relationship. I don't expect anything from strangers, except maybe that I don't get murdered by them. But I don't expect kindness from strangers, it's always a pleasant surprise when someone holds the door, but I'm not disappointed when it doesn't happen. Disappointment stems from trust, from holding expectations and wants fulfilled from this other person, based on the relationship had. And do I really want to eliminate it all? Just to avoid the crushing feeling that happens when my sight is not met.
I propose that it is better to feel disappointment than to hold no expectations. This way, I know that I am loving the person. The trick then is to forgive and continue forward.

Resurfacing

No body actually reads this, so it's like posting a journal around a library, and watching as people walk by. Interesting.
I read something today in a book by Patrick rothfuss. It was about love and I found it to be quite striking.
"Anyone can love a thing because. [...] But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect."
The main character was talking about his lute, but it can just as easily be applied to people. It just made me think how I love those in my life. Do I really love my mother despite her flaws or just because she takes care of me and supports me. Because she is my mother. People say not to waste love on others, because maybe they aren't deserving of it. Everyone is deserving of love, maybe you shouldn't waste time on them, but love is never really wasted. It always comes back to you in some form or another. And loving someone despite their imperfections...
I almost said that to this guy that I have a relationship with. Not the love part, but that I wanted to be with despite all the things I already know about him (not bad things, just normal people things). He could wrap his head around it. It made it sound like I was settling, but it felt like more than that. Isn't that what we want, though, someone to know us, see us, accept us, and continue to stand by our side... despite it all.
I hope someone will love me, not just for the "because", but despite.

about no one in particular

A leap of faith and trust
Not just a wide stride
With at least one foot securely on the ground
But a leap
Nothing keeping you
Risking everything
The anticipation and anxiety that builds before
The adrenalin that pumps through during
But it is the fall
When you come crashing back to the world
That leaves the cracks and the scars
But without leaping
How can we touch the stars






Writing words because that is all that I can do now
Sleep will not come to my drowsy eyes
No matter how hard I shut them
Just the flow of my fingers on the keyboard
Letting out the words that burst from my seams
That wish to tell stories of life and lost
To weave stories that will never happen
Even in sleep I spin the tales
Awakening wondering if my entire life
has been just a dream
Glimpses of reality come and go through out
Never wanting to wake, which makes it hard to sleep
Scared that I will never wake again
And then miss out
on the stories that I create
Because one day, one story will come true.
The dreams tug at my heart
Whispering to me, seducing me, to sleep once more
Taking me by the hand
Leading me, guiding me
Back to bed





The stars that night were beautiful
Falling from the sky
Tumbling to unknown locations
Streaming out of sight
Make a wish as the ball of light flashes before your eyes
Wish to be lucky to fall without a net
Let go and trust
Take the leap
Wish to become a star
Shooting from their secure location
To new territories
Blink and you'll miss the chance
The chance to make a million wishes in one night
Don't closer your eyes
Watch the beauty collapse around you





Tell me the things I wish to hear
Gaze at me with those devilish eyes
Clasp onto me and never let me go
As your fingers dig deeper into my flesh
Scared that I will float away
Like a little boy holding onto a balloon
I will float away without your hold
Take possession of me
Lock me away,
I dare you,
In a music box, which only you have the key
My heart is not up for auction
It beats within your chest
You stole it from within me when you held me close
It jumped out of me, and found a home in you,
When you whispered in my ear
Words, breaths, promises,

Midnight Rantings

Sometimes I wish that I could disassociate myself with this world. I want to walk away from it and live in a world that I create, with rules that I set. There are so many things that are just messed up and screwed up that I am not sure that anything will be able to fix it, except for the Second coming of Christ. Only Divine intervention can fix what we have messed up, and I mean that in the most literal sense.
There are so many people in this world that I love and hold dear to my heart, and it breaks my heart to see them in pain and to see them suffer. And it breaks my heart to see people, whom I will never meet and whom I can not fully identify with, but I love them, and I see injustice done and I cry for their hardships.
I feel that people have turned their backs on each other and live their lives with blinders on, and refuse to understand what is going on. How discrimination continues, how racism is prevalent today in so many societies. But we refuse to see, and refuse to acknowledge and refuse to do anything to help out our brothers and sisters. We look at each other as strangers, instead of seeing them as our fellow man and our friends, our brothers, our sisters. Everyone is related and connected, but through walls that society encourages, our cell phones, iPods, headphones, computers, things that encourage the isolation, we convince ourselves that everyone that we do not know are strangers.
I wish I could walk away from this. But since I can't, I wish that I could change this mentality, that we are all on our own, that no one understands and that no one is there to listen. I am here. I will listen. I will be present, if only for a little while, in this world, and I hope that as I go along with my life, that I will be able to lighten someone's burden by being there for them, by listening, anything that I can do to help.
But things just keep getting worse and with everything that Apple puts out, we bring ourselves closer and closer to being islands, with no one to talk to and no one to listen. We suffocate ourselves. And yet we wonder why suicide, divorce, are so present in our society. Brokenness. We are a broken society but no one is willing to get out the super glue and put us all back together. I think that we are frightened of the intimacy that that would entail. We are scared of putting ourselves out there for people to judge and to reject. But at least one person won't judge and reject. There is always that one person who reaches out their hand and accepts you as you are.
I read a quote the other day which said: if you want to have a friend, be one. I strongly believe that, because the only way anyone is going to care about you is if you care in return.
I get labeled as a hippie because I want everyone to love each other. I get criticized because I am optimistic instead of being realistic and harsh. But I think that it is possible for people to put their selfish needs aside and work for the community. I also get labeled as a communist or a socialist. But what I want is for people to work together. Think of all the things that could be possible if we worked together instead of working alone. It would not be a perfect world either, but I believe that it could be a better world. We are often afraid of things that we do not fully understand and know. The only way to dispel that fear is by getting to know what you fear, and to understand what you don't and are too afraid of crossing an invisible line that we have set up for ourselves.
I am guilty of these things as well, which is why I feel comfortable to point them out. I fear things, I put up walls. But I strive to break those walls down and to overcome my fears. No one is perfect.

Rantings

I sit here, wondering why life can't become more simple than it is. And why, finding a special someone, can't be more simple. Why can't it just be: I like someone and I just go up to him and tell him. Why does there have to be games played and hints thrown and glances catched. Because the fear of rejection can be greater than the growing like of the boy. But why are we taught to go with our fears, or to be scared at all. When did that change begin to happen, because as a child I climbed trees without a second thought and jumped out of them without fear of breaking a bone or hurting myself. When did I become aware that things like that could hurt me, and when did fear begin to creep in. Maybe it happens when we learn that santa clause isn't real. or the tooth fairy, or the easter bunny. and why isn't it alright to believe in mythical or magical creatures. or that a man can travel the world in one night, because the rules of time do not apply to him. It is so magical to believe in something like that. But the age of innocence was lost, and somehow it can not be returned. how, then, can we prevent it from ever being lost. But then we find other things to place our hopes in, without fears. We find something that is unbelievable and throw ourselves into it. Sometimes its love, sometimes it mythology, or human nature. I don't know. Maybe I'm guilty of believing in love, but then it was shattered, just like Santa Clause was. Now I find myself without that inconcievable belief in something. It was a harsh reality to find that the Disney movies had gotten it all wrong about love and relationships. The girl shouldn't wait for her prince because the prince may never come. She needs to find her own way out of the dungeon. And there is no happily ever after. What happens, Cinderella, when you don't have the fairy god mother anymore? and you don't provide an heir to the throne? There is always a prince in all the stories. Can't they just fall in love with someone simple? Instead of a prince? I just want someone real, who doesnt have a country to run. But that phase of silly blind belief in the overcoming power of love that can break curses and charms is over. Again, I wish I could go back to it, and throw myself into its belief, but that glass was shattered and no matter how you glue it back together, the cracks still exist.

Into the Wild

I recently read a book called Into the Wild. Actually I read it last summer, but the impact that it had on me was so huge! Maybe I've talked about this before. The book is based on a true story about a young man who travels across America, basically. His life is so wonderful though. Full of everything that I long to do. I was discussing this book with my father, because I encouraged him to read it, and he thought that it was almost cruel for the boy to cut ties with his family. How can he not understand though? I see and understand his motives clearly.

I see my life, and what it is cracking up to be, and I am a little disappointed. I wish for it to be adventerous and amazing. I want someone else to see my life and go "wow, she really lived" not, "what was she doing with herself?" That is what I have been doing for the past 18 years, just living, just existing. Chris McCandless knew how to live. I love my family, but when going into the adventure of a lifetime, it is not wise to tie oneself down to family and relationships. Someone said that Chris had a problem with intimacy. I think not, but just being tied down to something pointless. My father thinks that it is because he was angry with his father. I was thinking about it and realized something: Chris's father had almost lived a double life and he found out that he was illegitamit. His whole identity was shattered. Your parents bring you into this world, and you expect them to know and understand themselves in order for you to define yourself. When the image of who your parents are is shattered you have to reevalute yourself.

Who you are becomes someone else. This whole image that you have had up until this realization is someone completely different from then on. Who you are is very dependent on who your parents are. But once you find out something about your parents that shatteres your image of them in consequence shatters your image of self. Your world crumbles around you. I think that is why Chris was able to become closer to those that he met on the road. They did not define him, but he could start clean with that relationship. He had to reevaluate himself in order to re-learn and understand who his parents were. Maybe I am reading too much into this and projecting my life into this situation, but that is how I see it. How I am beginning to see it.

Floodwood is one place where I can redefine myself, and figure things out. It is so easy to see who you are without the complications of family, which is another reason why I think it is healthy to seperate from family for a while. Not sever the ties completely, because it is family that should love you unconditionally, but just for a season. It is important to define yourself by your own standards. I see who I am most clearly when I am surrounded by nature. Others in other places. But Chris was able to be himself, most comfortable as I understood it, around nature as well. I find him to be a tragic hero, because in the end he did discover his tragic flaw which killed him. He had been living a secluded life. And I understand it. But he realized that having companionship of any kind is a gift as well. "And so it turned out that only a life similar to the life of those around us, merging with it without a ripple, is genuine life, and that an unshared happiness is not happiness....And this most vexing of all, HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED."

Merry Christmas!!!

my favorite question that always comes up around this time of year is: wait, do you celebrate christmas?? this is normally followed with: of course, I'm Christian. which then is followed with: but i thought you were mormon?? i just laugh. Yes, but Mormon's are Christians too. I always give the example of: a flower is a plant, but not all plants are flowers. catholics, mormons, protestants, are all christians, but not all christians are catholics, mormong, portestants. But that question always makes me laugh.
I love Christmas. It is just such a wonderful season. Full of love, joy, happiness. I wish that everyone could just stop for a moment in their lives and realize just how wonderful life really is. We are always so caught up in our lives, that when Christmas comes, we take a second to breath, wish each other a Happy Holidays, and then keep on rushing on with our pointless lives. They are only pointless if we can not appreciate the love that is in them, or the people. Sometimes we really do need to stop and smell the roses. This is a reason why God had to create the Sabbath Day, in Order to stop us. We rush around in our lives, going from store to store, job to home, work to bed, all in the hope that we will be successful, but we can't seem to see that the only way we can become truely successful is by working hard, but being able to rest and play just as hard. Look around the mall at this time of year, and everyone is so stressed: finding the perfect present, what if they dont like it, how much money do i have, can i afford this. I get stressed just by thinking about it. I beg you, just stop. It shouldn't matter what is under the tree, but who you are spending time with, Not what is on the table, but who is around the table. we get so caught up in the technicalities of STUFF, that we just can't seem to wrap our heads around the idea that, it really doesn't matter. They don't need the present you are giving them, but the love that should be behind it. Everyone just needs someone to love, and be loved in return. I think that is the important part. Reminding each person that they are loved back. it is so disappointing giving someone a gift, and then not receiving anything in return, not because of the gift, but because your love was not returned.
Love someone this holiday, because you might be the one returning the love.