Loose Screws

Somewhere within the last two years, some of my screws have gotten loose and I think this past weekend they came out. I'm not sure when it happened or began, this slow spiraling out of control, but it definitely started two years ago, when I stepped off the plane from Switzerland after successfully fulfilling my year and a half LDS mission.
Maybe it began when I started quasi dating this guy who I met at a school dance. I liked the attention, even though something felt off about him. But things seem to be going well till he moved away after three weeks of us spending days together. But it didn't work out... in a glorious terrible way, I found out, slowly, that he's unhinged, and slightly crazy, and sometimes I fear that somehow he placed a few of his broken shards inside of me, beginning this process of loose screws that have securely held me together.
I began to believe that I'm weak. I was still quite tired from the mission, and fell into a depression. So lost and had no real life goals except get married. That's what we're told to do. Get married. And this boy that I had placed quite a bit of hope and time into turned out to be solidly not the person I should even consider dating, least of all marry. It was painful.
I continued with school, with my graduation slowly looming. Before my mission, I knew that that was my goal. I had something to work towards. Now it was to graduate, but then what. What was my goal after graduation. Get married. But that is not exactly within my control at all. I can date, sure, but I have to find people and meet people whom I would like to date. I always feel out of place and like I don't click, so when I do click with people, I have a tendency to hold on too tight. Death grips.
The screws kept getting turned the closer and closer I got to graduation without a relationship happening. Nothing. Not even tinder worked. I'm timid, and shy, and introverted, but I'm like everyone else, and want to be loved, and cared for, and thought of. And each day that went by without a potential, with the same things happening over and over and over again, continued to be proof that I would fail. I would graduate without a ring on my finger, engagement or wedding.
Some relationships happened, but nothing with too much promise, except possibly.... two. One wasn't quite right at the time, but that didn't stop me from not letting go, until I held on so tight that I killed it. And the second... he was perfect, but I didn't feel like I was perfect for him.
Classes ended. I was done. Failed. Yes, I finished cum laude. Yes, I have a degree. Which some people work so hard to achieve, but I could coast by and still receive honors, while working two jobs. But all this was a distraction from my real goal.  I am a failure.
My screws became loose and they fell out this weekend. I started putting stock in other people, hoping and expecting them to screw me back together. I allowed myself to wallow in self pity, blaming everyone and everything for my disappointment. Instead of looking at myself and seeing that I am becoming a miserable human being. I smiled and laughed, but instead I was crying, almost constantly. Letting the negative thoughts eat me alive.
I got slapped in the face twice, not because me as a person deserves it exactly, but because the whiney, needy, spoiled child that I have become needs it. I needed it in order to pull myself up and remember where healing actually comes from. It doesn't come from other people, I can't expect other people to put me back together. Healing comes from Divinity, I believe in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, mentally and my heart, other people might call it the a universe or karma or some other form. I firmly believe that even if it is not immediate, Christ can put me back together, piece by piece, and heal me, my broken mind and broken heart. Disappointment and sadness and frustrations happen, but I can not and should not allow myself to wallow in this and let it stumble me and fall down. I can not just sit in the dirt and cry and wonder why I am not progressing, why isn't anyone picking me up and doing it for me.  I have help, and help is available, and some things I have to do by myself, while I can expect and have faith that I will receive healing from Christ. He has the screwdriver that can ground me again. In that, I firmly believe in.

It sometimes surprises me how life decisions propel you onto a certain path, and you travel down that path so far that you get stuck in the middle.  When you first started out, you were skipping and running, yelling and shouting to people to "Look at ME! Look at what I'm going to do!! Isn't this great??"  but then as you go along, and fully realize what turn you've taken, no one is around you anymore cheering you on, and you get a little tired and have lost sight of the goal, or to follow the analogy, the end of the path.  You have no idea where this is taking you anymore and you've lost sight and can only continue forward. 
Recently, I made one such decision.  I am still excited for the end, but I think I've lost sight of what the end is exactly.  I got caught up in the initial excitement.  I made the decision to serve a full time mission for the LDS church.  This is an 18 month commitment and the application process has been a joy kill.  There have been so many hitches that have tripped up my application.  Having started it about 6 months ago, I expected that it was in two weeks ago, but it wasn't until yesterday that it finally got submitted.  The waiting period begins again since it normally takes anywhere from two weeks to a few months to get the assignment.  I am walking down this path that I've chosen and there was a decision that happened as to why I am doing this.  But my skipping down the path, running, jumping, excitement, has been hit by disappointment and complications.  All that makes me question if I am doing the right thing, but at this point, it would be too hard and disheartening to turn around now.  I want the end result.  I want to finish this path because I know that it will be worth the worry and difficulties.  I just have to get there first. 
18 months dedicated to the Lord and teaching the gospel.  Telling people about Jesus Christ and the message that changes people's lives.  This thought not only terrifies me, but it also thrills me.  I am excited to meet people, help people, serve the Lord and further His work.  But it terrifies that people will judge me, talking to people about something that is controversial and hard to hear.  No one wants to hear that their life needs help or changing.
the Path is a little dark right now, but the end will be worth it, right?