Loose Screws

Somewhere within the last two years, some of my screws have gotten loose and I think this past weekend they came out. I'm not sure when it happened or began, this slow spiraling out of control, but it definitely started two years ago, when I stepped off the plane from Switzerland after successfully fulfilling my year and a half LDS mission.
Maybe it began when I started quasi dating this guy who I met at a school dance. I liked the attention, even though something felt off about him. But things seem to be going well till he moved away after three weeks of us spending days together. But it didn't work out... in a glorious terrible way, I found out, slowly, that he's unhinged, and slightly crazy, and sometimes I fear that somehow he placed a few of his broken shards inside of me, beginning this process of loose screws that have securely held me together.
I began to believe that I'm weak. I was still quite tired from the mission, and fell into a depression. So lost and had no real life goals except get married. That's what we're told to do. Get married. And this boy that I had placed quite a bit of hope and time into turned out to be solidly not the person I should even consider dating, least of all marry. It was painful.
I continued with school, with my graduation slowly looming. Before my mission, I knew that that was my goal. I had something to work towards. Now it was to graduate, but then what. What was my goal after graduation. Get married. But that is not exactly within my control at all. I can date, sure, but I have to find people and meet people whom I would like to date. I always feel out of place and like I don't click, so when I do click with people, I have a tendency to hold on too tight. Death grips.
The screws kept getting turned the closer and closer I got to graduation without a relationship happening. Nothing. Not even tinder worked. I'm timid, and shy, and introverted, but I'm like everyone else, and want to be loved, and cared for, and thought of. And each day that went by without a potential, with the same things happening over and over and over again, continued to be proof that I would fail. I would graduate without a ring on my finger, engagement or wedding.
Some relationships happened, but nothing with too much promise, except possibly.... two. One wasn't quite right at the time, but that didn't stop me from not letting go, until I held on so tight that I killed it. And the second... he was perfect, but I didn't feel like I was perfect for him.
Classes ended. I was done. Failed. Yes, I finished cum laude. Yes, I have a degree. Which some people work so hard to achieve, but I could coast by and still receive honors, while working two jobs. But all this was a distraction from my real goal.  I am a failure.
My screws became loose and they fell out this weekend. I started putting stock in other people, hoping and expecting them to screw me back together. I allowed myself to wallow in self pity, blaming everyone and everything for my disappointment. Instead of looking at myself and seeing that I am becoming a miserable human being. I smiled and laughed, but instead I was crying, almost constantly. Letting the negative thoughts eat me alive.
I got slapped in the face twice, not because me as a person deserves it exactly, but because the whiney, needy, spoiled child that I have become needs it. I needed it in order to pull myself up and remember where healing actually comes from. It doesn't come from other people, I can't expect other people to put me back together. Healing comes from Divinity, I believe in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, mentally and my heart, other people might call it the a universe or karma or some other form. I firmly believe that even if it is not immediate, Christ can put me back together, piece by piece, and heal me, my broken mind and broken heart. Disappointment and sadness and frustrations happen, but I can not and should not allow myself to wallow in this and let it stumble me and fall down. I can not just sit in the dirt and cry and wonder why I am not progressing, why isn't anyone picking me up and doing it for me.  I have help, and help is available, and some things I have to do by myself, while I can expect and have faith that I will receive healing from Christ. He has the screwdriver that can ground me again. In that, I firmly believe in.

Midnight Rantings

Sometimes I wish that I could disassociate myself with this world. I want to walk away from it and live in a world that I create, with rules that I set. There are so many things that are just messed up and screwed up that I am not sure that anything will be able to fix it, except for the Second coming of Christ. Only Divine intervention can fix what we have messed up, and I mean that in the most literal sense.
There are so many people in this world that I love and hold dear to my heart, and it breaks my heart to see them in pain and to see them suffer. And it breaks my heart to see people, whom I will never meet and whom I can not fully identify with, but I love them, and I see injustice done and I cry for their hardships.
I feel that people have turned their backs on each other and live their lives with blinders on, and refuse to understand what is going on. How discrimination continues, how racism is prevalent today in so many societies. But we refuse to see, and refuse to acknowledge and refuse to do anything to help out our brothers and sisters. We look at each other as strangers, instead of seeing them as our fellow man and our friends, our brothers, our sisters. Everyone is related and connected, but through walls that society encourages, our cell phones, iPods, headphones, computers, things that encourage the isolation, we convince ourselves that everyone that we do not know are strangers.
I wish I could walk away from this. But since I can't, I wish that I could change this mentality, that we are all on our own, that no one understands and that no one is there to listen. I am here. I will listen. I will be present, if only for a little while, in this world, and I hope that as I go along with my life, that I will be able to lighten someone's burden by being there for them, by listening, anything that I can do to help.
But things just keep getting worse and with everything that Apple puts out, we bring ourselves closer and closer to being islands, with no one to talk to and no one to listen. We suffocate ourselves. And yet we wonder why suicide, divorce, are so present in our society. Brokenness. We are a broken society but no one is willing to get out the super glue and put us all back together. I think that we are frightened of the intimacy that that would entail. We are scared of putting ourselves out there for people to judge and to reject. But at least one person won't judge and reject. There is always that one person who reaches out their hand and accepts you as you are.
I read a quote the other day which said: if you want to have a friend, be one. I strongly believe that, because the only way anyone is going to care about you is if you care in return.
I get labeled as a hippie because I want everyone to love each other. I get criticized because I am optimistic instead of being realistic and harsh. But I think that it is possible for people to put their selfish needs aside and work for the community. I also get labeled as a communist or a socialist. But what I want is for people to work together. Think of all the things that could be possible if we worked together instead of working alone. It would not be a perfect world either, but I believe that it could be a better world. We are often afraid of things that we do not fully understand and know. The only way to dispel that fear is by getting to know what you fear, and to understand what you don't and are too afraid of crossing an invisible line that we have set up for ourselves.
I am guilty of these things as well, which is why I feel comfortable to point them out. I fear things, I put up walls. But I strive to break those walls down and to overcome my fears. No one is perfect.