Poems I found in an old journal

I wish I had one more moment
I wish I had one more day
To be able to say the things I think
To be able to do the things I miss
I want to embrace your beauty
I want to bask in your light

I pray for time to go faster
I pray for time to pause
I wish it was a video camera
So I could have control

But it is water and sand
slipping through my finger tips
But it is like a dandelion
with a gust of wind and it's gone

Something so brief has so much impact
something so simple runs so deep



Oct 2008
I come from a broken home
broken hears and broken lives
nothing certain and nothing permanent

I need to feel the sun on my head
the wind at my back
and the road up ahead

This life i lead
will one day end
this tired body
will lay down to rest

That day isn't soon
and I will travel
wherever the wind blows
the grass is green
on someone else's hill
so I'll go there

moving from place to place
no one will hold me back
I've broken all ties


Oct 2008
I was encouraged by your words
so comforting and true
when the world turned gray
I knew I could run to you
You're safe
You're real
You're everything I needed
but fate is cruel
and will never let us begin
so there can never be an end
my soul flies
at the sound of your voice
listening to each change in tone
it sounds like a melody
sweet like love
the love that runs dry
because the faucet can never be turned on
I would run with you forever
I would wait
till I turned to stone
Your words were all I needed
I'm yours forever.

just a cool picture that i took while in Florida. The place that we did work on used to be a homestead that had been bought by the state, so it had a bunch of old stuff scattered around, along with some orange trees. They were the best oranges that I have ever had. It was seriously delicious. Overall, a very good trip. :D

Just some Random Thoughts

Slowly, life moves at the pace of a snail who lives at six flags
Sometimes he decides to take a roller coaster, and for 5 minutes, everything speeds by and you have the time of your life
But it takes a while between rides, because he's a snail and can only go so fast



We are all our own pawns in a giant chess game, propelling our bodies forward and backward around the table, trying to get check mate, avoiding getting hurt, around we go, calling out moves, G7 to H9, learning the rules as we go, picking up strategies, learning what works what doesn't. We are stuck in this sick game until it ends, and life calls out check mate because the truth is we'll never win, those words will need fall from our mouths. Life conquers all

Midnight Rantings

Sometimes I wish that I could disassociate myself with this world. I want to walk away from it and live in a world that I create, with rules that I set. There are so many things that are just messed up and screwed up that I am not sure that anything will be able to fix it, except for the Second coming of Christ. Only Divine intervention can fix what we have messed up, and I mean that in the most literal sense.
There are so many people in this world that I love and hold dear to my heart, and it breaks my heart to see them in pain and to see them suffer. And it breaks my heart to see people, whom I will never meet and whom I can not fully identify with, but I love them, and I see injustice done and I cry for their hardships.
I feel that people have turned their backs on each other and live their lives with blinders on, and refuse to understand what is going on. How discrimination continues, how racism is prevalent today in so many societies. But we refuse to see, and refuse to acknowledge and refuse to do anything to help out our brothers and sisters. We look at each other as strangers, instead of seeing them as our fellow man and our friends, our brothers, our sisters. Everyone is related and connected, but through walls that society encourages, our cell phones, iPods, headphones, computers, things that encourage the isolation, we convince ourselves that everyone that we do not know are strangers.
I wish I could walk away from this. But since I can't, I wish that I could change this mentality, that we are all on our own, that no one understands and that no one is there to listen. I am here. I will listen. I will be present, if only for a little while, in this world, and I hope that as I go along with my life, that I will be able to lighten someone's burden by being there for them, by listening, anything that I can do to help.
But things just keep getting worse and with everything that Apple puts out, we bring ourselves closer and closer to being islands, with no one to talk to and no one to listen. We suffocate ourselves. And yet we wonder why suicide, divorce, are so present in our society. Brokenness. We are a broken society but no one is willing to get out the super glue and put us all back together. I think that we are frightened of the intimacy that that would entail. We are scared of putting ourselves out there for people to judge and to reject. But at least one person won't judge and reject. There is always that one person who reaches out their hand and accepts you as you are.
I read a quote the other day which said: if you want to have a friend, be one. I strongly believe that, because the only way anyone is going to care about you is if you care in return.
I get labeled as a hippie because I want everyone to love each other. I get criticized because I am optimistic instead of being realistic and harsh. But I think that it is possible for people to put their selfish needs aside and work for the community. I also get labeled as a communist or a socialist. But what I want is for people to work together. Think of all the things that could be possible if we worked together instead of working alone. It would not be a perfect world either, but I believe that it could be a better world. We are often afraid of things that we do not fully understand and know. The only way to dispel that fear is by getting to know what you fear, and to understand what you don't and are too afraid of crossing an invisible line that we have set up for ourselves.
I am guilty of these things as well, which is why I feel comfortable to point them out. I fear things, I put up walls. But I strive to break those walls down and to overcome my fears. No one is perfect.

End of Vacation

unfortunately, vacation always ends. But it's a new beginning, which I think is the best way to look at it.
I got to spend so much time with my family, with my two sisters who I am going to miss so much. My older sister went back to the Bahamas and I'm leaving my younger sister here. As I sat next to my older sister yesterday, I just wanted to memorize her face, because for once in my life, I have no idea when I'll see her next. This thing called "life" and "the real world" is actually happening.
The semester starts on monday, and I am still a bit clueless as to where my classes are. Maybe I'll run around campus Sunday night to try and figure out where I'm suppose to be going every day. But I'm taking some good classes, and like I said, it's a new beginning. I hope to meet new people, to challenge myself more to get outside my comfort zone. I'm just floating through life, not always rising to the challenge that life presents to me. This semester, I wish to grow and stretch my understanding, my ideas, my thoughts. I need to always strive to be a better person, to continue to grow, because once you stop growing as a human being, once you stop expanding your thoughts, that is when you become boring and out-dated. No one is listen to you because no one cares.
I leave tomorrow night. On a plane this time. It will take me a fraction of the time to get back that it took me to get to Jersey. I just pray that God will keep my plane in the air.
The heavens opened up today and let down about a foot of snow. I knew that I would be seeing a lot of snow this year, but I had no idea that I would be seeing it in Jersey. It's snowed more here in the past three weeks, than it did in Utah the past three months. But I'll probably be eating my words during the next three months back in Utah because apparently it snows much there. Glad I just got snowshoes. might be using them to get to school in the mornings.
New Year: Welcome!

Final part of Travels

Unfortunately, I was unable to get internet connection on the train, so I wrote down all my adventures on my iPod.
and have NO idea how to get it on my computer. No way am I going to type it all out. so, never will they appear on my computer. oh well.
but it was fun. train is definitely a different way to travel and one meets a lot of interesting people.

I'm watching this tv program about the buddha. and it is one thought provoking show. Sometimes I think that I might improve myself by not talking anymore. and listen more to what people have to say. maybe increase my mystery of self. and so i think i'll go back to school and never talk. or talk less. we'll see how long this lasts.
to be buddha. i should do some serious reading about the belief system and how to reach nirvana. maybe that'll bring some peace to my life. I love being LDS, and I truly believe that it contains truths and that I am a better person because of it. but I also believe that other religions hold some truths as well, and that I can learn from them qualities and traditions that can make me, still, a better person. I always need to improve, and maybe I should just go into silence. not permanent silence, but just calm down and meditate more, listen more, observe more. mindful.

Part 1 of My Journey Home

I kind of forgot how far New Jersey really is from Utah. I keep on getting reminded that New Jersey is across the country every time I tell someone how I'm getting home. Instead of the tradition 5 hour plane flight, I decided to take a train home, which will take a mind numbing 50-something hours to travel across the country on the ground. But it all started today. I finished my finals, amazingly, on Tuesday. 3 finals in two days. Although my friends seemed to have been jealous that I was done by Tuesday, they do not quite realize what kind of stress was being caused on my insides. My stomach was a ball of nervous tension. I would go to sleep and awake with the same tension, and it wasn't realized until Tuesday afternoon. Biology happened at 7:30, Monday morning. I did decent after about 3 days of studying. I am just grateful that I'm done with the functions of the cells and energy cycles and how DNA somehow, magically, turns into RNA. It really all seemed like magic, and I just couldn't seem to grasp the concept that this is happening right now in my cells... and that is why my eyes are blue :)
Tuesday, my finals were back to back, and that was probably the worst. because not only did I have to study for one exam, but two! and there wasn't even time between them. Math first, then US institutions, which was the bane of my existence this semester. sure, I might have grown up in the country, but who really cares about what the constitution? As long as I know that I have the freedom to write all this, and put it out on the internet just because I want to, what else is there to know? Okay, yes, i realize that the constitution is actually pretty important and can be kind of cool, but... honestly, don't care.
My train leaves Friday morning. Well, I guess it can't really be called morning, since the sun won't even be up when I do depart. But I had to travel down from Logan to Pleasant Grove, so do laundry. My family is so generous. They let me do as much laundry as I need to do... which happens to be a lot. I might actually be able to separate the colors and such. this is going to be an adventure! the drive down from Logan, as always, was uneventful. except for the part where I seemed to have entertained a van full of teenagers. What happened was:
I put the Cat Empire on... they are a pretty dance-y band to listen to, and it's hard not to dance when you listen to them. if you don't move while listening to their music, then you have no soul. I was stopped at a red light, and I happen to look over, and see this girl, I start dancing and she finally looks at me, and I smile at her. I think I probably weirded her out. I then continued to dance the way that I car dance (which really must be an entertaining sight) and I look over again, and the boy sitting in the back seat started to laugh too. I looked at him, smiled, and kept on dancing. The car drove away, and I felt content knowing that I had at least made someone laugh this day. Albeit, they were laughing at me, it didn't really make much of a difference. I enjoyed myself.
Driving through the canyon was one of the scariest experiences of my life. There's this fog thing that happens in happy valley. I've been told that it's toxic. It reminds me of the first batman movie, Batman Returns, where the crazy man is able to put the toxic gas to make everyone hallucinate and go crazy. pretty sure that's what's happening in happy valley. actually, what I'm told is that it's called inversion, and it's pollution. Everyone complains about it, but I am from Jersey, so I'm pretty sure I've inhaled worse things. but it makes for terrible driving conditions. It's wicked thick, and I could hardly see anything while driving for a bit. So naturally, I drove faster. Logic: because if I go faster, I'll get out of the toxic fog faster. right? okay, maybe not. that's probably why I almost hit a truck...... naw, he was pulled over off the road.
Other than those two eventful happenings, nothing else. Traffic sucks, especially when people don't know how to drive. and why in the world would you be talking on your cell phone AND driving in the fast lane ALL THE SAME TIME?! you naturally drive slower when you talk on the phone, and ergo, facto, oreo, piss off everyone else behind you. But I am safely in Pleasant Grove. I'll do laundry tonight/tomorrow. pack up my clothes, hopefully my presents won't break. here grandma, i got you a plate..... well...... it was a plate..... before it broke in Chicago....
Then off to Orem to stay the night there, and get up at the unnatural hour of 3:30 to catch a train. Actually, I just won't go to sleep. That is definitely the logical solution. Never go to sleep, therefore I'll never have to wake up.
Perfect.

Sunday Mornings

I woke up about an hour ago and the time has gone by lazily. I sit in my bed, and listen to the ebb and flow of traffic, the white noise constantly generated. I contemplate what I'll wear for church today, debating whether I should wear tights or go barelegged. At work yesterday, I received some flowers, purple and white flowers, with lots of green. It's beautiful and they are staring me in the face. I reflect on yesterday and anticipate the future. And all this has happened in the past three minutes.

Yesterday, I talked with the object of my affection for the present. He has no idea. But we created sweet conversation that both made me laugh and cry. He became my best friend last night, even if it was for only a night, we connected on a different level than how I've connected with people before. These conversations have happened a few times in my lifetime, and only with those that comfort has existed so strongly. I wonder if he realized that? I also wonder if I will miss him, because right now I think I will. We will pass each other in August as we swap places in the world. He travels to Boston, as I travel to Utah. maybe this is a metaphor of our relationship, that we were meant to meet for only a few minutes in our lifetimes. but he has had a profound influence on me, albeit only for a short time, it was still deep.

This is what I am thinking about, the past and the future merge together in my mind because the future is coming fast, I hear it's footsteps in the hallway, walking closer to my door. and I anticipate the knocking and when I open the door to receive it, will I be joyous? or will I be scared? knots form in my stomach at the notion of the future, butterflies burst from those knots. Ideas are driving me crazy.

New York to Boston

Its amazing how people can band together over the littlest things. As I'm riding up to Boston after my 12 hours in Jersey, the bus driver does not seem to understand that we are all baking in the bus. After about 10 attempts to tell him to turn the heat off, he turns it on, and then up. slowly, the air gets staler and hotter, and we can't breathe. the elderly lady is severely upset, and is now calling the company in order to get the problem fixed, but I'm not sure exactly what this will accomplish. we have all bonded in a strange way. And I'm sure that after this experience, I will never see anyone of these people again, but we will all sure have a story to tell.

In an unrelated topic, as I am looking out the window, admiring the spring foliage, I am a little sad that Utah doesn't have much foliage to admire, at least none that I am too aware of. Maybe in the mountains, where water actually accumulates, but in the valleys and deserts, not too many trees exist. Here in the east coast, is another story. Trees for miles and its beautiful. The different colors of the trees as their budding and life is coming back after the winter create so many different shades of green. Lime green, vivd green, light green, dark green, orange green, some I can't even describe. Other trees are late bloomers or haven't gotten the memo yet, but they will be beautiful when they decide to bud. It's amazing how similar the colors are to those of fall, but there's a certain vividness to them, and vitality, that is different than the fall foliage. Those have a dimmer color and you know that they will fall off soon. These are brimming with new life. But I have gotten to know this side of the country well, enough that it has become almost second nature. It is time to move one and see new horizons, a new landscape, and admire the beauty that God has created all around us.

a long day.......

that's what it feels like. this year has been just one long day. i can not believe that freshman year is almost over. i'm excited for the change to happen already. I want to leave so badly. leave boston behind me, and continue on with life. I am stuck in this rut of a city, longing to get out. just leave.......

COLLEGE

getting through high school isn't too tough.  quickly, you learn how to navigate between people and groups and know which teachers to talk to and which to avoid.  Not a problem, because at the end of the day, to home you go and the comforts and warmth of a mother's arms and a bed you've slept in for many many years.  But college is a whole different playing field.  High school is the minor leagues.  You've just been signed to the majors in college.  And just like that, a bus hits and your in a room that others have used.  Your in a city or town that maybe you don't know.  Not only do you have to navigate between groups of people and classes, but also trying to find a grocery store.  Welcome to life, the world screams at you while you stare questioning at a map.  Welcome to life.  To the real world.  To the rest of your life.  You are no longer in the warmth and comfort of your mother's arms.  You have just stepped into a world you only hoped about when younger but didn't dare to dream about.  A new life, and a new beginning.  No one is here telling you who to be, all of the strings are broken and you are the person that you wish to become, you want others to see you as.  No parents to catch you when you fall.  Hopefully, you'll have supporting friends, ones that will try and lift you back up again if you do happen to fall.  Hopefully, you'll have comforting teachers and administrators who will temporarily take the place of arms where you can cry to.  Welcome, the world whispers, almost cynically, almost mercilessly, almost wishing you to fail.  Wishing disaster and chaos to come into your once peaceful life.  Welcome, and good luck.

Graduation

I graduated from High School on Sunday.  The moment that I had been looking forward to for the past 6 months had finally come.  What did it feel like?  surreal.  I can't process it.  I can't process any of this.  I'll be leaving the comforts of my high school community for a totally new city, a new state, a new school.  I dare compare it to birth, and the leaving of the womb.  It will be a slap in the face and I will gasp for air, staring around at the new life presented to me.  I feel like I'll have to relearn everything that I have gotten up to now.  Hopefully it won't be too traumatizing.  I am looking forward to the slap.

After my ACL surgery, it has left me with a similar knee as a grandmother.  I ache when it rains, and cry when I have to go up or down the stairs.  I avoid lifting anything heavy because I'm a little afraid my knee won't be able to handle it.  But I want to run.  I am to run so bad.  I actually miss it.  I make excuses all the time to people, but the point is, I really wish I could run again.  and jog.  I'm cleared to jump rope, which was on the track to jogging.  So I think I'll be able to jog soon.  Today was painful.  And the numb patch on my knee hurt, along with my shin.  I guess it sounds a little confusing saying that a nump part hurts.  But it does, even if someone hits it, or I bump it accidentally, it hurts.  I just want the pain to stop and go away.  If oxicodone didn't suck so much, I would be popping the pills.  Sometimes it's gone all together, and I forget that I had surgery.  But when I have to go up or down stairs, I am reminded constantly that I can't run just yet.  I really am looking forward to that day when I can jog without a limp.

Looking towards the future

It is a slow realization that my life will change drasticlly in a couple of months. In June I graduate from High School. I will never again be called a high school student. I don't know if I should be jumping up and down with joy, or approaching this change with apprehension. It kind of reminds me of my pending 10th birthday. As excited as I was to be another year older and closer to womanhood, it was a shock that I would never be a single digit age again. That seems a silly comparision, but I was not at all saddned by my graduatoin from 8th grade into high school. Grammer school was literally a hell on earth for me, and I never wish to repeat those years. But High School has been an experiance, both good and bad, but definatly a learning one. The time is fast approaching. And it is hard to believe, and slowly sinking into my head. I look around my room with each passing day and am realizing that this will only be my room when i visit. When I visit, because it will no longer be my permanent home. I will be going out into the world (of Boston) and living a new life, leaving behind the old. Much like sheading of skin. It is a welcome change that I won't have to visit my father everyother weekend and deal with the junk that he puts on me, but I will mourn the loss of my much loved house. This will be the biggest change in all my 18 years of living. But still, mixed feelings are building up inside of me. Change has that affect on the best of us, I do believe. The future is looming on the horizon, and I go to meet it. It makes me excited, to think that I will be meeting new people, gaining new friends, and living new experiences. But I am afraid that it will leave a whole inside of me that could have the potential to swallow me, if I let it. There are particular people that I will miss most of all, others were just passing through and does not matter much if they come or go. I guess that is how it goes, you take with you those that mean the most to you, so that at the end of your life you are only surrounded by the best. Those that you trust, and love, and who return the feelings. Only the truest of friends. I guess I have to look at it like a spring cleaning of friends. of my soul. Only the important people, important ideas, leave with you.

the Drama

I hate prom. It is silly and totally rediculus. The whole point is to look pretty and get all dolled up. Other then that, no one really wants to STAY once they get to prom. wow, money totally well spent.
So I'll be in Cambodia right before graduation. How insane is that? I really do not know what to expect, but should be rather interesting.

Rantings

I sit here, wondering why life can't become more simple than it is. And why, finding a special someone, can't be more simple. Why can't it just be: I like someone and I just go up to him and tell him. Why does there have to be games played and hints thrown and glances catched. Because the fear of rejection can be greater than the growing like of the boy. But why are we taught to go with our fears, or to be scared at all. When did that change begin to happen, because as a child I climbed trees without a second thought and jumped out of them without fear of breaking a bone or hurting myself. When did I become aware that things like that could hurt me, and when did fear begin to creep in. Maybe it happens when we learn that santa clause isn't real. or the tooth fairy, or the easter bunny. and why isn't it alright to believe in mythical or magical creatures. or that a man can travel the world in one night, because the rules of time do not apply to him. It is so magical to believe in something like that. But the age of innocence was lost, and somehow it can not be returned. how, then, can we prevent it from ever being lost. But then we find other things to place our hopes in, without fears. We find something that is unbelievable and throw ourselves into it. Sometimes its love, sometimes it mythology, or human nature. I don't know. Maybe I'm guilty of believing in love, but then it was shattered, just like Santa Clause was. Now I find myself without that inconcievable belief in something. It was a harsh reality to find that the Disney movies had gotten it all wrong about love and relationships. The girl shouldn't wait for her prince because the prince may never come. She needs to find her own way out of the dungeon. And there is no happily ever after. What happens, Cinderella, when you don't have the fairy god mother anymore? and you don't provide an heir to the throne? There is always a prince in all the stories. Can't they just fall in love with someone simple? Instead of a prince? I just want someone real, who doesnt have a country to run. But that phase of silly blind belief in the overcoming power of love that can break curses and charms is over. Again, I wish I could go back to it, and throw myself into its belief, but that glass was shattered and no matter how you glue it back together, the cracks still exist.

Progression

I am just now realizing how much a person uses their legs. Walking, laying down, sitting down, getting up, turning, driving. Even just sitting is uncomfortable. It is such a blessing to have the use of both legs and knees. It is something that the average people takes advantage of every single day. Even the use of arms and carrying things is made more difficult by the limitation of the legs. You can not get any where quickly, and must be patient with just walking down the hallway. And at the end of the day, I am exhausted from exerting the extra energy of just living through a normal school day. There is no need to complain though, because complaining only causes yourself to get frustrated and others to get upset at your whining. No one likes a whiner. Putting a smile on only makes things easier for yourself and others. At least, that is what I have discovered, and the philosophy that I utilize every day.

Only My Knee got hit by a truck

So, over break, I went skiing. For the first time in my life, I went on slopes. It was fun until I got off the ski lift. The ski instructure and I were heading down the mountain again, (well, i guess it would be not so much fun if we headed up) when I fell. It was a pretty lame tumble, to say the least. But basically, my knee popped because of my idiocracy and lack of skiing ability. I vow to never ski again. Come to find out (after I get home and go to the doctor) that I tore my ACL. one of the most important legaments in the knee. Oh joy. So doctor, what does that mean? I have to get reconstructive surgery. Which happened today.

Well, I want to curl up into a ball and die. except i can bend my knee, so i guess I can't curl. But pain killers are really really helpful :D I currently have an ice pack wrapped around my knee, having ice cold water pumped around my knee. It is a pretty nifty feeling, because It is so numb by now that my mom touched the water and asked if I could feel how cold it is. Nope, I cant really feel at all. When I got home, I cried. Trying to get up the steps, trying not to fall over while walking on crutches. I must have looked so pathetic, but it hurts to putt any kind of weight on it.

It's gone..

I've lost it. The drive to play my flute. For a split second in time, I had the vision of brilliance. I was going to be a performer. There was nothing except music, playing it that is. I knew what I wanted to be for the rest of my life and it was a musician. But it's gone. My image, my vision, has left me dry. I can not muster up the energy to pick up my flute because of the dream that I have lost. I play and my fingers do not cooperate anymore. My eyes go blurry and the notes all fuzzy. I have lost something precious and I want it back, but it does not want me.

What went wrong

I often reflect on the turn that my life has taken by actions that were decided by others. I entered High School a totally normal young lady. I feel that I am leaving it extremly changed in so many ways that I did not anticipate. It is never normal or healthy for a little girl to witness her parents fighting. I tried to shield my younger sister from it often times because I had been subjected to it when I was her age. As a young girl, I would lie away at night and hear my parents arguing, loudly. They must have assumed that we were asleep because they never fought in front of us. We is refering to myself and my older sister of 3 years. I don't remember what the arguments were about except that my father would always walk away and my mother would yell at him not to walk away while she was talking to him. That she was talking. He would passively ignore her. I think that I attribute this to my avoidance of conflict. The sound of arguing makes me uncomfortable and scared, frankly. Unsafe. My father was always there for me. I looked up to him when I was younger, but I was the second child. Softly pushed aside in favor of my older sister. I love her dearly, and I don't resent her for being first. I simply got used to being second. I understood and complied with my treatment. This isn't to say that I was flat out ignored, but I learned my place, which was not in the spot light. She was talk with at night, and it was a common practice that I would be ignore for bedtime "tuck in". That was the way it was. And then my younger sister came along, and she got more attention than I did. She is the sensitive one. She needs to have the special attention. Again, I got used to it.
But my parents: their fighting got worse. We never really went on vacation as a family, and my father was often busy with his biking. I don't much remember my mother in my early years. I think because she was like a ghost. Quiet in the background, helping us along, having snacks for us after school. She was not a major actor in her own life, I think. After the divorce, things changed. My mother, my father, my life. Everything is different. Everything and Everyone. My mother has found her voice and my father has changed personalities. I sleep in a bed that is not my own and eat other people's food. I have to smile and pretend that this new life, this new world that I have entered is perciesly what I asked for. Because watching my father dote on another woman is exactly what I want to see. Hearing him speak to her in ways that I did not know he could to someone that is not my mother is just what I love to hear. And then he tries to be my best friend. He can not see what he has done to my life, to my personality. I am scared to death of comitment. What if my special someone leaves me like my father left my mother? But my mother!! Her strength has become a brilliant and beautiful thing. She has found her strength that was always there but lay dormant inside of her. It has come alive in ways that are just beginning to unfold. I admire her more and more each day. I wish I had noticed her in my childhood. I am only starting to appreciate her and I am really saddened over our loss of time. I am going to run away for a while. I need to find my own voice. I need to seperate myself from the strangling oppression that I feel around my father. I need to break out of this shell that has been created by my parents. They have instilled in me virtues that are important, but consciously and invertantly. But starting this summer, I plan on writing about the things I AM doing, not what I WISH to do.

Into the Wild

I recently read a book called Into the Wild. Actually I read it last summer, but the impact that it had on me was so huge! Maybe I've talked about this before. The book is based on a true story about a young man who travels across America, basically. His life is so wonderful though. Full of everything that I long to do. I was discussing this book with my father, because I encouraged him to read it, and he thought that it was almost cruel for the boy to cut ties with his family. How can he not understand though? I see and understand his motives clearly.

I see my life, and what it is cracking up to be, and I am a little disappointed. I wish for it to be adventerous and amazing. I want someone else to see my life and go "wow, she really lived" not, "what was she doing with herself?" That is what I have been doing for the past 18 years, just living, just existing. Chris McCandless knew how to live. I love my family, but when going into the adventure of a lifetime, it is not wise to tie oneself down to family and relationships. Someone said that Chris had a problem with intimacy. I think not, but just being tied down to something pointless. My father thinks that it is because he was angry with his father. I was thinking about it and realized something: Chris's father had almost lived a double life and he found out that he was illegitamit. His whole identity was shattered. Your parents bring you into this world, and you expect them to know and understand themselves in order for you to define yourself. When the image of who your parents are is shattered you have to reevalute yourself.

Who you are becomes someone else. This whole image that you have had up until this realization is someone completely different from then on. Who you are is very dependent on who your parents are. But once you find out something about your parents that shatteres your image of them in consequence shatters your image of self. Your world crumbles around you. I think that is why Chris was able to become closer to those that he met on the road. They did not define him, but he could start clean with that relationship. He had to reevaluate himself in order to re-learn and understand who his parents were. Maybe I am reading too much into this and projecting my life into this situation, but that is how I see it. How I am beginning to see it.

Floodwood is one place where I can redefine myself, and figure things out. It is so easy to see who you are without the complications of family, which is another reason why I think it is healthy to seperate from family for a while. Not sever the ties completely, because it is family that should love you unconditionally, but just for a season. It is important to define yourself by your own standards. I see who I am most clearly when I am surrounded by nature. Others in other places. But Chris was able to be himself, most comfortable as I understood it, around nature as well. I find him to be a tragic hero, because in the end he did discover his tragic flaw which killed him. He had been living a secluded life. And I understand it. But he realized that having companionship of any kind is a gift as well. "And so it turned out that only a life similar to the life of those around us, merging with it without a ripple, is genuine life, and that an unshared happiness is not happiness....And this most vexing of all, HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED."