Relationships rooted in service

I spent a year and a half in Switzerland. This past week, I was fortunate enough to visit, and while 4 days in Switzerland isn't much of a vacation, it gives me time to see people whom I met while living there. Some of these relationships are deep, and we had shared a lot with each other: stories, tears, prayers. And that sort of vulnerability creates a deep relationship. I think a lot about them, and wonder always how they are doing, how they are feeling. But being so far away, I feel so helpless, and it is so hard to stay in touch, to stay on contact even though there exists so much technology. I barely saw the sites, but the people that I was able to visit in my short time here was a lot of what I needed. I sometimes get so caught up in my own life that I become miserable. It's a weird phenomenon but, it happens. And I forget about the people that love me. And I was reminded of them. Each one that had an affect on my life, even though I was there to serve them. They showed me love, took me into their lives, and for a brief period, we were family. I consider them family still, as I hope they think of me that way as well.

Allow those to fall away, cherish those whom stay

Loose Screws

Somewhere within the last two years, some of my screws have gotten loose and I think this past weekend they came out. I'm not sure when it happened or began, this slow spiraling out of control, but it definitely started two years ago, when I stepped off the plane from Switzerland after successfully fulfilling my year and a half LDS mission.
Maybe it began when I started quasi dating this guy who I met at a school dance. I liked the attention, even though something felt off about him. But things seem to be going well till he moved away after three weeks of us spending days together. But it didn't work out... in a glorious terrible way, I found out, slowly, that he's unhinged, and slightly crazy, and sometimes I fear that somehow he placed a few of his broken shards inside of me, beginning this process of loose screws that have securely held me together.
I began to believe that I'm weak. I was still quite tired from the mission, and fell into a depression. So lost and had no real life goals except get married. That's what we're told to do. Get married. And this boy that I had placed quite a bit of hope and time into turned out to be solidly not the person I should even consider dating, least of all marry. It was painful.
I continued with school, with my graduation slowly looming. Before my mission, I knew that that was my goal. I had something to work towards. Now it was to graduate, but then what. What was my goal after graduation. Get married. But that is not exactly within my control at all. I can date, sure, but I have to find people and meet people whom I would like to date. I always feel out of place and like I don't click, so when I do click with people, I have a tendency to hold on too tight. Death grips.
The screws kept getting turned the closer and closer I got to graduation without a relationship happening. Nothing. Not even tinder worked. I'm timid, and shy, and introverted, but I'm like everyone else, and want to be loved, and cared for, and thought of. And each day that went by without a potential, with the same things happening over and over and over again, continued to be proof that I would fail. I would graduate without a ring on my finger, engagement or wedding.
Some relationships happened, but nothing with too much promise, except possibly.... two. One wasn't quite right at the time, but that didn't stop me from not letting go, until I held on so tight that I killed it. And the second... he was perfect, but I didn't feel like I was perfect for him.
Classes ended. I was done. Failed. Yes, I finished cum laude. Yes, I have a degree. Which some people work so hard to achieve, but I could coast by and still receive honors, while working two jobs. But all this was a distraction from my real goal.  I am a failure.
My screws became loose and they fell out this weekend. I started putting stock in other people, hoping and expecting them to screw me back together. I allowed myself to wallow in self pity, blaming everyone and everything for my disappointment. Instead of looking at myself and seeing that I am becoming a miserable human being. I smiled and laughed, but instead I was crying, almost constantly. Letting the negative thoughts eat me alive.
I got slapped in the face twice, not because me as a person deserves it exactly, but because the whiney, needy, spoiled child that I have become needs it. I needed it in order to pull myself up and remember where healing actually comes from. It doesn't come from other people, I can't expect other people to put me back together. Healing comes from Divinity, I believe in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, mentally and my heart, other people might call it the a universe or karma or some other form. I firmly believe that even if it is not immediate, Christ can put me back together, piece by piece, and heal me, my broken mind and broken heart. Disappointment and sadness and frustrations happen, but I can not and should not allow myself to wallow in this and let it stumble me and fall down. I can not just sit in the dirt and cry and wonder why I am not progressing, why isn't anyone picking me up and doing it for me.  I have help, and help is available, and some things I have to do by myself, while I can expect and have faith that I will receive healing from Christ. He has the screwdriver that can ground me again. In that, I firmly believe in.