lies

ever feel like relationships you thought were real were based on lies... things you felt were fabricated by the other person... I don't know what to believe.
how do I trust again...

MONQ

So I just got my box set of MONQ in the mail today.  Since I got an awesome labor day deal, I figured I would get them all and try them out.  So far, I love it.  The taste that it leaves in the mouth is so pleasant!  I will be trying it out this week to see how they affect me, but so far it is quite a great experience.

If you'd like a code for MONQ, let me know!  But here's the link: https://monq.com?rfsn=323301.22a6d

If you haven’t heard of MONQ yet, you will soon.  It is the newest, most innovative, and coolest aromatherapy device out there. Using a small portable device, you can experience aromatherapy variety of effects anywhere. When you use it, it lights up, letting you know that it is active. And you simply breathe in Therapeutic Air that your MONQ diffuses. It comes in 7 blends, so you can swap off depending upon your mood, with blends such as Happy, Zen and Sleepy!

I struggle with racing thoughts, with rumination, with depression.  I think that a lot of people deal with mental issues, some more profound than others, some more visible or noticeable than others.  I can keep a pretty good face on to make it seem like I am a generally happy person.  Today, I had to keep doing relaxing breathes, deep breathing, to keep myself calm.  Things affect me deeply, and I worry about things.  I worry like it's my job to worry.  I go through things in my head like it is a puzzle, looking for the missing pieces and trying to reassemble it over and over again.  Do other people experience this?  Am I that unique in my mental illness?  It's like when you have a cut on your lip, or on your roof of your mouth and you can't help but keep licking it, over and over again, expecting it to heal that way, almost enjoying the pain but crying at the same time.  I look for ways to release it, make it better in my head, so that I don't overreact to life, or cry, or just increase my ability to cope with things.  Deep breathing.  Writing.  Praying. Scriptures.  I just purchased MONQ and I am curious to see how that will work with my depression, racing thoughts, touch of anxiety.  I have tried other herbal supplements as well.  SAM-e has helped, along with HTP-5 to kind of help me relax at night and help me sleep.  sleeping is the worst, that is when everything that I might have been suppressing comes to the surface and my mind does not shut off.
I am really excited to try MONQ and see how the different mixes help with different situations.  Hopefully the aromatherapy can help.

Just Me

I was the only one
the only one to fall
there was no net
no safety arms
to catch and cradle me
maybe he pushed me
pushed me over the edge
and watched me go
maybe he thought
I'll let her go first,
I'll follow in a bit
maybe he expects
to fall later
and when he falls
that I'll be there
waiting.
I'll be his net
my arms will be outstretched
outstretched and waiting.

but I landed
hard and hurt
left without a hand
and looked around
awakened from my slumber
hurt and sad
I'll stand up, look up
and walk away
I'll find another cliff
another person to jump with
but fall again I will
I plan, I want
to fall

maybe I'll be alone again
alone in my wild
unbridled collapse
but loneliness is a close friend
one who welcomes me each time
one day, I'll leave him be
finding another
another to spend my time

he pushed me
I'll claim
but really I jumped
expecting to fly
fly from sheer joy
but when I looked back
and saw him standing there
with fear and trippidation
tears gleaming from his eyes
it was over.
my flight turned sour
sour and bitter
and down I crashed

it was real
I'll choose to believe
the happiness
the joy and trust
trust in another human being
in another soul
but not an anomaly
it is not a rare
uncommon
occurance
and that spark will be found
and felt again
in another form
with a different touch
but home
it will feel like home
once again
comfortable and warm and real

It's not your fault

I dated a guy for a bit, on and off, about two years ago.  He had a lot of issues, and I tried to help him work through them.  I learned from that relationship that  you can really only help someone who wants the help, who is willing to take your help and use it.  He would complain about being the way he was, but seemed to have given up all hope of ever being better, of becoming the way he wanted to be.  He isn't a bad person, sometimes he could be really sweet... but there was always something that made me scared of him.

We hadn't seen each other for quite a few months, when I asked him to come over cause I had just gotten back from a pretty crummy trip. He agreed, and assumed I meant that he could also stay the night.  We made-out a bit, and fell asleep, cuddling, on the couch.  While sleeping, he woke me up, kissing me, and then slowly got on top of me. I lay there, completely still, trying to show him that I was not into what he was doing.  I definitely never gave my consent, or told him to keep going.  He kept kissing me, and I kept trying to push him off of me, over and over again.  He isn't necessarily an aggressive person, he just has no off switch.  I got him off me, and then went to my bedroom and locked the door.  He left shortly after that, sent a text a few days later to apologize, and I've never talked to him again.  

I think about the rape culture that exists in our society today, and can only imagine what the young women and men go through when their bodies and personal space are completely violated. This was someone that I was comfortable with, or at least enough to have him over my apartment.  I was alone in my apartment, and if he hadn't yielded to me, I don't know if anyone would have heard me if I had cried out. I wasn't raped. He didn't force his self into me. But for a moment, I thought he would.  For one terrifying moment, I thought he'd push his way inside.  I don't know exactly what victims go through, and how much it affects their lives afterwards, but it is upsetting when the attacker acts like the victim.   I could see that in this guy, too.  He was the victim because he lost all control, and he would pity himself.  This wasn't some teenager who was just learning how his body worked.  This was a 27 year old.  He should have self control, self discipline, enough to know that when someone isn't consenting, it is time to get off of them.  But thinking about the culture in this country, sure someone could look at this and say I was asking for it, I had invited him over and fell asleep with him on my couch, but sex is not something that someone should feel entitled to, and I never asked him for it, plus I was asleep when he rolled onto me.  That is definitely not consent.  No means no.  No answer doesn't mean yes. Being asleep and unable to respond is not yes.

This is not a love story....

Ever seen the movie "(500) Days of Summer"?
It starts off saying, this is not a love story.  That is how I feel about my life and the relationships that I have had.  None of these are actual love stories.  The most recent experience sort of reflects the movie as well, where I am into it and commit, but he hesitated and wasn't sure.  I want someone to be sure of me just as I am sure of them...

This is not a love story...

I've never been a skinny person. and it has taken a lot of time for me to accept my body as it is.  but i still want to change it.  i am all for people loving their bodies and their curves and who they are, but i have never felt comfortable in my own body.  this feeling that people will judge me for how i look and how frumpy i look, and not give me the chance to love me, because I am chubby.  it has been this idea that maybe i am not lovable because i am chubby and i wanted to change my body, so that I could be loveable - because being skinny meant that i was worth love.  i always felt like when i was  younger, i got the short end of the stick.  i never felt that i would eat more than the average child, but i kept the weight on, and i was never a bean pole, never skinny, but chubby, curvy, bigger.  I've probably weighed the same since i was twelve years old, without being able to lose weight, and thats not for want of trying.  and my father always gives me the feeling that if i were skinnier, i would be better, i'd be worth his love.  and it has been such a learning experience to know that people wont love me based on my weight.  i have also learned how to dress in order to not appear as frumpy as i feel, or steal people away from my body by wearing bold lipsticks, or bringing their attention to my breasts because its better if they gawk at my breasts because i strategically want them to, instead of them thinking that i am overweight.  
but now.... now that I see this and realize all this.... I might want to lose weight not to fit into any category, but so that I feel comfortable in my own skin, so that I can be healthy and be able to do the things that I wish to do.  I am not insanely overweight, but I want to be healthy.  I am finally learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  comfortable with ME! and that my personality has nothing to do with my weight. 

Relationships rooted in service

I spent a year and a half in Switzerland. This past week, I was fortunate enough to visit, and while 4 days in Switzerland isn't much of a vacation, it gives me time to see people whom I met while living there. Some of these relationships are deep, and we had shared a lot with each other: stories, tears, prayers. And that sort of vulnerability creates a deep relationship. I think a lot about them, and wonder always how they are doing, how they are feeling. But being so far away, I feel so helpless, and it is so hard to stay in touch, to stay on contact even though there exists so much technology. I barely saw the sites, but the people that I was able to visit in my short time here was a lot of what I needed. I sometimes get so caught up in my own life that I become miserable. It's a weird phenomenon but, it happens. And I forget about the people that love me. And I was reminded of them. Each one that had an affect on my life, even though I was there to serve them. They showed me love, took me into their lives, and for a brief period, we were family. I consider them family still, as I hope they think of me that way as well.

Allow those to fall away, cherish those whom stay

Loose Screws

Somewhere within the last two years, some of my screws have gotten loose and I think this past weekend they came out. I'm not sure when it happened or began, this slow spiraling out of control, but it definitely started two years ago, when I stepped off the plane from Switzerland after successfully fulfilling my year and a half LDS mission.
Maybe it began when I started quasi dating this guy who I met at a school dance. I liked the attention, even though something felt off about him. But things seem to be going well till he moved away after three weeks of us spending days together. But it didn't work out... in a glorious terrible way, I found out, slowly, that he's unhinged, and slightly crazy, and sometimes I fear that somehow he placed a few of his broken shards inside of me, beginning this process of loose screws that have securely held me together.
I began to believe that I'm weak. I was still quite tired from the mission, and fell into a depression. So lost and had no real life goals except get married. That's what we're told to do. Get married. And this boy that I had placed quite a bit of hope and time into turned out to be solidly not the person I should even consider dating, least of all marry. It was painful.
I continued with school, with my graduation slowly looming. Before my mission, I knew that that was my goal. I had something to work towards. Now it was to graduate, but then what. What was my goal after graduation. Get married. But that is not exactly within my control at all. I can date, sure, but I have to find people and meet people whom I would like to date. I always feel out of place and like I don't click, so when I do click with people, I have a tendency to hold on too tight. Death grips.
The screws kept getting turned the closer and closer I got to graduation without a relationship happening. Nothing. Not even tinder worked. I'm timid, and shy, and introverted, but I'm like everyone else, and want to be loved, and cared for, and thought of. And each day that went by without a potential, with the same things happening over and over and over again, continued to be proof that I would fail. I would graduate without a ring on my finger, engagement or wedding.
Some relationships happened, but nothing with too much promise, except possibly.... two. One wasn't quite right at the time, but that didn't stop me from not letting go, until I held on so tight that I killed it. And the second... he was perfect, but I didn't feel like I was perfect for him.
Classes ended. I was done. Failed. Yes, I finished cum laude. Yes, I have a degree. Which some people work so hard to achieve, but I could coast by and still receive honors, while working two jobs. But all this was a distraction from my real goal.  I am a failure.
My screws became loose and they fell out this weekend. I started putting stock in other people, hoping and expecting them to screw me back together. I allowed myself to wallow in self pity, blaming everyone and everything for my disappointment. Instead of looking at myself and seeing that I am becoming a miserable human being. I smiled and laughed, but instead I was crying, almost constantly. Letting the negative thoughts eat me alive.
I got slapped in the face twice, not because me as a person deserves it exactly, but because the whiney, needy, spoiled child that I have become needs it. I needed it in order to pull myself up and remember where healing actually comes from. It doesn't come from other people, I can't expect other people to put me back together. Healing comes from Divinity, I believe in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, mentally and my heart, other people might call it the a universe or karma or some other form. I firmly believe that even if it is not immediate, Christ can put me back together, piece by piece, and heal me, my broken mind and broken heart. Disappointment and sadness and frustrations happen, but I can not and should not allow myself to wallow in this and let it stumble me and fall down. I can not just sit in the dirt and cry and wonder why I am not progressing, why isn't anyone picking me up and doing it for me.  I have help, and help is available, and some things I have to do by myself, while I can expect and have faith that I will receive healing from Christ. He has the screwdriver that can ground me again. In that, I firmly believe in.

Disappointment

I've always hated being disappointed. I think it's normal, no one likes to be let down, to have your expectations not met. Even when someone says maybe, that adds this hope that it might happen, barely allowing yourself to feel the excitement, but it's still there. Your hope was raised, even a fraction of an inch. And when it comes crashing down, that fraction feels like an abyss.
I was disappointment recently, and it felt crushing. I had hoped that he would pull through and surprise me, even though I expected he wouldn't. Such a mix of emotions, and so when my expectation proved true that he isn't going to pull through for me, that almost hurt most of all.
But in thinking about it, do I really want to hate being disappointed. That means I have no trust, no expectations, no... standards held for other people. Is that even then a relationship. I don't expect anything from strangers, except maybe that I don't get murdered by them. But I don't expect kindness from strangers, it's always a pleasant surprise when someone holds the door, but I'm not disappointed when it doesn't happen. Disappointment stems from trust, from holding expectations and wants fulfilled from this other person, based on the relationship had. And do I really want to eliminate it all? Just to avoid the crushing feeling that happens when my sight is not met.
I propose that it is better to feel disappointment than to hold no expectations. This way, I know that I am loving the person. The trick then is to forgive and continue forward.

Resurfacing

No body actually reads this, so it's like posting a journal around a library, and watching as people walk by. Interesting.
I read something today in a book by Patrick rothfuss. It was about love and I found it to be quite striking.
"Anyone can love a thing because. [...] But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect."
The main character was talking about his lute, but it can just as easily be applied to people. It just made me think how I love those in my life. Do I really love my mother despite her flaws or just because she takes care of me and supports me. Because she is my mother. People say not to waste love on others, because maybe they aren't deserving of it. Everyone is deserving of love, maybe you shouldn't waste time on them, but love is never really wasted. It always comes back to you in some form or another. And loving someone despite their imperfections...
I almost said that to this guy that I have a relationship with. Not the love part, but that I wanted to be with despite all the things I already know about him (not bad things, just normal people things). He could wrap his head around it. It made it sound like I was settling, but it felt like more than that. Isn't that what we want, though, someone to know us, see us, accept us, and continue to stand by our side... despite it all.
I hope someone will love me, not just for the "because", but despite.