I've never been a skinny person. and it has taken a lot of time for me to accept my body as it is. but i still want to change it. i am all for people loving their bodies and their curves and who they are, but i have never felt comfortable in my own body. this feeling that people will judge me for how i look and how frumpy i look, and not give me the chance to love me, because I am chubby. it has been this idea that maybe i am not lovable because i am chubby and i wanted to change my body, so that I could be loveable - because being skinny meant that i was worth love. i always felt like when i was younger, i got the short end of the stick. i never felt that i would eat more than the average child, but i kept the weight on, and i was never a bean pole, never skinny, but chubby, curvy, bigger. I've probably weighed the same since i was twelve years old, without being able to lose weight, and thats not for want of trying. and my father always gives me the feeling that if i were skinnier, i would be better, i'd be worth his love. and it has been such a learning experience to know that people wont love me based on my weight. i have also learned how to dress in order to not appear as frumpy as i feel, or steal people away from my body by wearing bold lipsticks, or bringing their attention to my breasts because its better if they gawk at my breasts because i strategically want them to, instead of them thinking that i am overweight.
but now.... now that I see this and realize all this.... I might want to lose weight not to fit into any category, but so that I feel comfortable in my own skin, so that I can be healthy and be able to do the things that I wish to do. I am not insanely overweight, but I want to be healthy. I am finally learning to be comfortable in my own skin. comfortable with ME! and that my personality has nothing to do with my weight.
